I'm a statue. I wasn't always a statue, of course. And, I probably, hopefully, won't be one for much longer. There's a story behind it of course. I guess, sense I'm not going anywhere soon, I can tell it to you, and how I got into this predicament.

See, Wednesday is my husbands Birthday. He's getting up there, he's going to be 30. It worries me a little, since I'm only a year behind him. But, they say that growing old is a good thing, so, I'll believe them and do it gracefully.

Anyway, I'm a budding artist. I say budding, since I haven't been doing it long, and frankly, I'm not that good at it either! I thought I would make him a handmade gift. I'd given it some thought, and I decided that I would make him a sculpture for our backyard.

After sketching out some ideas, I settled on a nice bird. So, I got my supplies, and built a metal frame in the shape of a bird. It was going easier then I expected. He was out of town for the weekend, so I was hoping to get it all finished. After getting the metal frame finished, I covered it in some metal screen. Now was the fun part. I was going to cover it with plaster. With enough layers, and some shaping, I would have a kick butt bird sculpture. He's going to love it.

I knew I was going need a lot of plaster to cover the frame, so I carried it into the spacious bathroom of our house, and filled up the tub with water and plaster powder. After some mixing, and playing around, I had a nice mix. Not too runny. It seemed to stick to the screen pretty well, yet was easy to spread around. So, I went to work coating the screen. It was going pretty quickly. After a while, I stood up, and began working on the back side of the metal frame, applying the plaster liberally to the frame.

Once I had the first layer on, I was able to go ahead and add more to the beginning part. So, I came around to the front of it again, and leaned over the tub for another clump of plaster. Well, wouldn't you know it, some of the material had dripped off the frame, and onto the floor. Of course, I had the bad luck of stepping right on it! It wouldn't have been so bad, I could just clean it off my canvas shoe, but, instead I slipped and fell head first into the plaster! I couldn't believe it! What a mess. I was covered in the sticky material. And, it splashed all over the bathroom. What a mess to clean up. I climbed out of the tub without a second thought, and went to work trying to clean up the major clumps on the walls, ignoring the fact that it was covering my body. I was more worried that it was going to yellow the paint, or do damage to the ceramic tile floor.

I went about cleaning it up, so that I could get back to working on the project. It only took a few minutes before i realized I was in trouble. I suddenly realized that I was stiffening up! I had forgotten all about the fact that I was covered in the plaster. I could feel that the plaster on my pants and shirt was getting pretty hard, and it was getting to be difficult to move. My first thought was to wipe it off, so I began trying to push it off with my hands. It only took a second for to realize it wasn't working. Instead I ended up with the plaster on my hands. I went over to the mirror to see how bad it was, and found that my head, and face and hair were covered! I watched in the mirror, as I blinked, and noticed that I looked like a statue blinking! I grabbed at my hair, and it felt pretty stiff under my touch. It was obvious I needed some help.

I quickly checked around the room to make sure everything was cleaned up and headed out toward the kitchen. I had to get to the phone. I started down the hallway. I looked back and cringed at the plaster footprints I was leaving behind. Damn it, I'd have to clean those up later. I made my way down the hall. I could already tell it was a losing battle. I was struggling to fight the stiffness in my pants as I walked. Finally, with about 3 steps to go to the phone on the wall, they became rock solid. I looked down at them and wanted to cry. I thought I could reach down, and maybe pull my legs along, but, to my horror, my arms were already rock solid. They felt like the same casts I had worn in the 4th grade after my bike accident. Damn it. I knew I was in trouble. I did a quick check to see what was still under my control. It was then that I realized the severity of my situation. I could move my pinky finger on my left hand. And that was it.

I blinked a couple times as a tear ran down my cheek. One of the few things I could still do. Now that I knew I was in trouble, it was time for panic to set in. I could see the phone less then a yard away, taunting me from the wall. I despised it. It would have been in arms reach if I could just pick my arm up.

I was so sad. I was so scared. What if no one ever found me!? I had the relief of knowing that my husband would be home, but not for 2 more days. Could someone stay alive as a statue for two days, I wondered? I'm going to starve to death, I thought. My tears began to pour from my eyes at that point. I was full of self pity. Finally, I calmed down. It's been a few hours now. I'm bored out of my mind, but, I'm getting used to not being able to move. Who knows, maybe I'll want to get into this predicament on purpose, in the future. So, here I stand, able to blink, and wiggle one finger. My husband will be home in about 30 hours, and hopefully he'll let me out. It'll be too bad he'll find the unfinished bird statue, but he'll get a great wife-statue out of the weekend. Thanks for listening, and thanks to Dosman! for writing this for me. It's a little hard to type being a statue and all.

The End
July 10, 2000